Anger

On Friday I got a phone call at work saying that my grandpa was doing worse and that my family was going up that day to disconnect him from all machines. I was determined that I would be making the same trip, so that I could say good-bye. It appears that my grandfather had made prior arrangements for his funeral which included immediate cremation with no viewing, so this would be the last time that I could see my grandpa.

By the time I got home, I was making my travel plans in my mind, what time we would leave, where we would stay that night, preparing for good-bye. Andie comes home shortly after I arrive home from a friends house crying that her and a friend collided on the trampoline. She was hit right in the right eye. I was looking her over and noticed that her right pupil was extremely constricted and the left pupil was extremely dilated. This is not normal. I called the clinic and opted to head over to the ER.

I had explained that we were trying to get to Phoenix to see my grandpa before he passed and they were great on getting us in quickly and seen by a nurse, PA, and Dr. Well, the Dr. told us that he had consulted with an eye specialist in Tucson and that it appeared Andie had Iritis, inflammation of the iris. The Dr. told us that the specialist prescribed some eye drops and wanted us to follow up with HER within the next 12-24 hours. By the time I got the prescriptions filled and got home from the ER, it was 7:30pm. I knew that we were not going to make it to Phoenix that night, it being so late and then have to drive to Tucson the next day. I was very sad, but I had a daughter that needed medical treatment.

So Saturday we load up the girls and head off to Tucson. When we hit Benson, I get the phone call, my grandpa is gone. They had extibated him just before 11:00am and he passed at 11:20am. The rest of the ride to Tucson was long and difficult.

Upon arriving to UMC, it was again very little wait, we were in a room and being seen within an hour of arriving. The aggravating part was that we had to tell our story over and over again. The Urgent Care Dr. came in and asked us what we were there for. When we explained that we had been told to meet this eye specialist he seemed confused. I started to get worried. Well, the eye specialist came in and informed us that she had no idea that we were coming to Tucson to see her. I lost it at this point. I was so upset. It turns out that there was a miscommunication between MGRMC and the UMC eye specialist. She was telling them that we needed to start the eye drops and see an eye specialist in our town within 24 hours, not drive to Tucson to see her. So here we drove to Tucson, had another ER visit that was not necessary, and because we made the trip to Tucson, I missed the passing of my grandfather.

Now I am just mad. I am mad at the ER, I am mad at UMC, I am mad at my family for trying to tell me that I had more important places to be and that it was O.K. that I wasn't there with them when my grandpa died. I wasn't going to the hospital for them, I was going for me. I needed that closure. I know that I am just being selfish, but I am mad and hurting. I wanted to be able to be there when he took his last breath and tell him how much I loved him and how much I will miss him. I have taken him to Dr.'s appointments and been there in the ER when he fell all those times. It has been really hard explaining to the girls that Grandpa Lito is gone. Both Andie and Avery were very close to their great-grandpa.

I am just hoping with a little more time, I will get past all this anger. At this point I don't even feel like talking to family because I am mad that they were there and I was not. Again I know that I am just being selfish, but it really hurts. I need to see my grandma today. I know that it will be very hard for me to do this, but I need to show her, tell her I am here for her, that I admire how strong she is, and that I love her. My grandparents were married for more than 70 years. I can only hope that Luke and I last that long.